i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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