and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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