youre lurking in front of me
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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