she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
