What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
50% drunk capacity currently
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
