***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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