i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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