You can't special order awesome
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
