Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
whose parrot is this?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
