Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
