Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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