im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
