Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
