I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
