the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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