Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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