I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
