We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
