Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
