I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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