Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
