Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
