Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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