It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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