a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Terrible idea I love it
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
