I cockslap morals
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
