normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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