Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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