a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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