I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
