So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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