fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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