I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
