fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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