Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
