my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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