the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize