I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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