That's when you crack a 10am beer
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
