You're my little dorito
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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