i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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