So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
