Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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