I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
