the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
