well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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