I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
