I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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