I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
