He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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