is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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