whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I bet he comes in French.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
