It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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