I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
