i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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