Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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