You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
