remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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