Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize