Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
