I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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