It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
